Burnout Is a Weird Flex
We talk about burnout all the time, but do we really understand what it is? Burnout is not just being tired or stretched thin. It is a serious state in which our mental health, physical health, and relationships begin to break down. Yet many of us rationalize this collapse as a necessary part of showing up for our jobs or our families. I am here to tell you that I do not buy it.
In psychotherapy, we would call that rationalization a defense mechanism, a way to protect our ego from acknowledging our limits or unmet needs. My clients often hear me challenge their “should” and “have to” statements with a simple reminder: “You do not have to do anything.”
So I am inviting you to pause, set the ego aside for a moment, and look honestly at what is within your control. When we examine our choices, we begin to see how much agency we actually have to shape our circumstances.
Now, do not get me wrong. We all have bills, responsibilities, and people who depend on us. It matters that we show up for our loved ones and complete the work we have committed to. And still, those are choices. We have decided these things are important, so we do them.
In the same way we choose to give our time, energy, and care to others, we can choose to create space for ourselves. We can choose to offer ourselves the same nurturing we so freely extend outward. Recognizing that we have autonomy, that we are choosing rather than simply complying, gives us back our power. It gives us the power to decide how we want to live and how we want to care for the person at the center of it all: ourselves.
Before we go any further, let’s ground this in something practical.
Practical reminders
We are not the only ones who can be helpful to our coworkers or loved ones.
We do not need endless energy in order to be worthy.
Our value is not measured by how much we serve.
Do me a favor. Roll your shoulders back, sit up a little straighter, take a deep breath in, and let it all out. Bonus points if it is audible.
Now let’s take inventory. If you were the battery percentage on your phone right now, what would you be at? Did you wake up close to full, or are you hovering somewhere around thirty or forty percent? Has something already drained your battery today?
This small moment of awareness can help you make choices that honor your bandwidth. Maybe most days you have the capacity to listen to your friend vent about their on again off again partner, or to stay late at work. But maybe today you do not. And it is okay to say no.
Setting boundaries and being aware of your energy is self care. Self care is not always bubble baths or a new outfit. Sometimes it sounds like, “I am not available tonight.” Sometimes it sounds like, “Can I call you back tomorrow? Today was a really hard day.”
This is hard.
I have not learned to read minds just yet, but I have been a psychotherapist long enough to hear the familiar objections. “I do not want to upset them.” “It is fine, it is easier if I just stay late.” “No one else is going to do it.”
If it is difficult to separate other people’s reactions from your sense of worth, or if you struggle to set boundaries or lean on others the way they lean on you, these might be the very patterns keeping you burnt out. At the foundation of all of this is a simple truth: if you are not well, you will not be able to continue caring for the people you are trying so hard to love and support.
Some say we cannot pour from an empty cup. Today I am taking a slightly more provocative stance and saying that burnout is a weird flex. Let’s show up for ourselves so we can keep showing up for the people around us.
And at the risk of sounding a little cringey, maybe boundaries and self care are the real flex.